


The Hotdog Picture

by Briana_Dubs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Peter signs tony up for dating apps, it doesn't go well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14925024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briana_Dubs/pseuds/Briana_Dubs
Summary: Tony hates Peter so much sometimes. Why did he let him sign him up for this?--A tumblr prompt from the frost-iron blog





	The Hotdog Picture

Tony really regretted listening to Peter.

He really, really regretted it.

It had been so simple. He and Pepper were on a longer than average break and he had seemed lonely so Peter suggested he try online dating. Tinder? Grindr? Tony couldn’t keep track of what he was signing him up for, all he told him was not that one for farmers.

“It’ll be great, Mister Stark!” he had said, all smiles, “You don’t care if it’s a guy or a girl, so you’ve got twice as many chances!”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Kid, I’m Tony fu- _freaking_ Stark. I have thirty times as many chances.” He had barely caught himself, almost cursing in front of Peter. He was trying to avoid doing that.

Peter just beamed at him and held up the phone. “Say cheese!” He sang out before snapping his picture.

Off to his right somewhere Bruce had asked if he wanted to use a professional picture. Tony turned his head to him, motioned toward his own face, and asked, “Do I look like I have any unflattering angles?”

“Yeah, your head looks pretty big from where I’m sitting,” Steve quipped from his seat beside Bucky. Tony made a swift motion with his hand under his chin at Steve, making sure Peter didn’t see.

Peter handed him back his phone after a few minutes, saying it was done and he just had to match with people. Tony set the phone down beside him on the couch. “FRIDAY, just swipe yes on the first ten people, or match them, or whatever you actually have to do.”

“Actually, you already have a match, sir,” FRIDAY responded. Tony pointedly smirked at Steve at that. Steve groaned and flopped back against Bucky.

Tony picked up his phone and flipped open to the page telling him he had a match. He nearly dropped the stupid thing, though, when he saw the face of who he matched with.

Loki!?

Why the ever loving fuck was Loki using a dating app? Which fucking one was this? What the actual hell?!

Before Tony could think much beyond that line of thought his phone made a ‘ping’ noise and a message came through from Loki. Tony didn’t even get to choose if he opened it or not, it just opened anyway.

He _absolutely_ did not scream when the message loaded and he was face to face with a dick pic. He absolutely _did not_. No screaming from him. Nope.

He also did _not_ hurl the phone across the room. Definitely didn’t do that.

Everyone was staring at him, though. Okay, so _maybe_ he did do that. Yeah, okay, he totally did that.

“What the hell, Stark?!” Natasha had come out from the room where she was training at the loud noise the phone made when it hit the wall.

Tony pointed an accusing finger at Peter. “You! You knew! This was all you!”

Peter looked absolutely bewildered, as did the others. “Knew what? What happened Mister Stark?”

“Ooohhh, don’t you Mister Stark, me, mister! I know you and Loki are always planning big pranks like this!” He was pointing harder at Peter, hands shaking and shoulders bunching up around his ears.

“Loki?” Thor finally spoke up from his spot on the chair with Bruce. “What about Loki?”

Tony spun around to point at Thor now. “And _you_! He’s _your_ brother! You knew he was on that thing and you didn’t tell me!”

Bruce grabbed Tony’s finger once he was within two feet of the two of them. “Tony, relax, none of us know what you’re even talking about.”

Motioning with his free hand toward the now completely shattered phone, Tony said, “Loki! The dating app! Loki was on the dating app!”

It took a split second of utter silence before Steve was howling with laughter. He actually fell off the couch and landed on the floor. The others turned to look at him, some still confused, others slowly coming to realize what was so funny.

“Oh my God, you matched with Loki!?” Steve squawked out as he clutched his sides. “That’s why you’re freaking out!?” Tony tried to shout at him, but Steve’s laughter drowned him out. Natasha had come over to the group with a smirk on her face now.

Peter was a little red in the face as he giggled over the whole thing, but Bruce and Bucky both looked a little green around the gills. Thor finally seemed to register what was going on and he smiled. “Oh, is that all?” he asked. Tony gave him such a harsh glare at that comment that Thor had to hold his hands up with a laugh.

“Truly, Stark, I do not see what all the fuss is about. You and my brother are very similar in personality, it is no surprise that your dating apps matched you right away.”

Tony got right up in Thor’s face and hissed out a whisper quiet enough that Peter couldn’t hear him. “He sent me a picture of his dick, Thor!”

Bruce went absolutely beat red and put both hands against his own face, trying to cool his burning cheeks down. Thor blinked once, twice, three times, before he smiled again. “Did he?” he asked. “Well clearly he is trying to gain your interest!”

Tony stared at him with such white hot fury that for a moment it looked like he had stopped breathing.

Slowly, his gaze slid to the man sitting with Thor. “Bruce,” Tony grit out, “If you do not get your boyfriend out of my face in the next ten seconds I am going to rip him in half.”

Bruce dragged Thor away as fast as he could, stumbling a little bit along the way.

Then Tony turned himself to look at Peter again. “And _you_ , young man. You are going to remove my profile from every single one of those apps you just signed me up for.”

“But Mister Stark!”

“Sir,” FRIDAY interrupted them overhead, and it took all of Tony’s strength to look away from Peter. “It appears Mr. Odinson is trying to get in contact with you through me. Should I patch him through?”

Tony’s eye twitched.

“Send him the hotdog picture.”

“Right away, Sir,” FRIDAY said, quickly leaving the conversation.

“I mean it, Peter,” Tony said, “You take down my profile from every single dating site. Every single one or I’ll-“

“Sir, it seems Loki’s response to the picture what implying you would need a bigger knife,” FRIDAY interrupted again. Steve was laughing again, still on the floor. Bucky had to cover his face to not let his smile show. Natasha smiled a little, shrugging her shoulders when Tony’s eyes flicked to her.

Peter blinked a couple of times. Suddenly his eyes lit up and his mouth made a perfect circle shape. “Oh! Is it the picture of someone chopping a hotdog into little pieces that you send to people when they send you pictures of-”

“OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT!” Tony all but shrieked at the teen.

Natasha patted Peter on the shoulder a couple of times, smiling. “Hey, he gets hit on enough, he needs his own response to unwanted pictures of genitals.”

“WHO IS SENDING YOU DICK PICS, I WILL KILL THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS!”

“Calm down, Tony, Jesus,” Natasha said, holding a hand out toward him. “Why don’t you just deal with your little Loki problem,” Steve snorted at the double meaning, “and I’ll help Peter to remove you from Grindr, okay?”

After a long moment of Tony just standing there breathing extremely heavily, he finally walked away and went into his bedroom. “FRIDAY, patch the fucker through,” he said once he was alone.

“Hello, Anthony,” came Loki’s voice only a second later.

Tony looked to the video feed/ hologram of Loki. He could very clearly see the god wasn’t wearing a shirt. He chose to ignore that.

“You! You, you, you, _you_ \- you absolute fuck!”

“Always so eloquent with your words,” Loki teased.

Tony wanted to punch the hologram.

“Shut the hell up,” he said instead. “You sent me a picture of your fucking dick.”

“Would you have preferred some other part of my anatomy?”

Tony pointed at him. “I said-“ he took a moment to inhale deeply and pinch the bridge of his nose. “I said to shut the hell up.”

Shockingly, Loki did.

“Okay, good,” Tony grumbled. Rubbing his forehead, Tony went and sat down on his bed, dragging the hologram with him. “Look,” he started, “If you’re gonna message me I really need some sort of warning. Peter was sitting right fucking next to me, you asshole.”

Loki’s face fell a little bit at that. “My apologies,” he said, sounding genuinely sorry, “I didn’t realize.”

Tony knew Loki and Peter had become friends after the whole Thanos thing. They both acted like teenage genius idiots and everybody except Thor was surprised by how well they got on. Mentioning Peter was sure to bring a little bit of humility to Loki.

“Next time I will be sure to ask if you are alone.”

Tony scowled at him. “There won’t be a next time, shitfuck.”

Loki just smiled back at him. “You say the sweetest things, Anthony.”

“I’m serious. There will not be a next time.”

“Why not?”

Tony groaned. “Because I did not sign up to receive dick pics from random guys who just want my money.”

“Hm, well, you shouldn’t have signed up for Grindr, then,” Loki informed, rolling his shoulders and making a bit of a face.

Tony groaned louder. “Are you telling me that’s just how everyone is on that site?”

“Pretty much.”

“I fucking hate Peter so much right now.” Tony laid himself flat on his back on the bed. “Why’d you sign up for it, then, if that’s all you’re getting?”

Loki rolled his shoulders again. “If you’re looking for something no strings attached it’s beneficial. To be honest when I saw your name I just couldn’t resist messing with you.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured that one out myself, asshole.” After Tony said that there was a moment of quiet between them. Tony sighed and ran his hand down his face. “Where are you, anyway? Usually you’re hanging out here with everyone else.”

“Would you believe me if I told you I was in your closet?”

“No,” Tony replied, “No, I would not believe you.”

“Pity,” Loki said, looking away for a moment in his video feed. “You really aren’t going to check?”

Tony made a face at him. “You hang out with Peter too much. I know you now, you idiot.” When Loki opened his mouth, Tony held up a finger. “If you teleport into my closet right now I will not hesitate to chop your dick off.”

Loki grinned at him, looking all too pleased to hear that. “You really didn’t like it, huh?”

“Are you calling me a slut?” Tony raised his head up to stare at Loki with wide eyes. When all Tony got in response was a shrug, Tony sat up. “Seriously, the guy who willingly signed up for a one night stand website is out here calling me a slut?!”

Now Loki laughed. “If you recall, I never actually said that.”

“No, you definitely called me a slut! FRIDAY, didn’t he just call me a slut!?”

“Actually, Sir, you called yourself a slut,” FRIDAY answered back.

Loki laughed as Tony scowled up at one of the many cameras in his bedroom. “You’re supposed to be on my side, FRIDAY.” With another angry scowl, Tony looked back at Loki. “Next time you’re here I am definitely going to kick your ass.”

“Ooooh, kinky~.”

“Oh my God, Loki.” Tony couldn’t help but snicker a little. Loki was such a little shit.


End file.
